by torch 1996

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Paramount; the central conversation piece is on loan from Theresa's props company; the work as such is mine. Don't try to sell this; keep the disclaimer on if you distribute or archive it; wear clean underwear at all times and look both ways before you cross the street. This story is rated NC-17 for language and more or less explicit m/m sex. It's a response to a post on SlashPoint about the lack of certain objects in slash fiction, and to people's comments that I should try my hand at C/P. I blame Manuel Puig for the format; the story is not related to those of Sue Love and YCD, although my subconscious certainly owes them a debt. :-) The title comes from a poem by Brian Patten. Do not archive this story without permission.

Screwed and perfect

Sit down somewhere.


Oh. Anywhere. I hadn't planned on company, really.

I can tell. Mind if I move this stuff over here?

Nope. I'll get some tea from the replicator, or would you rather have coffee?

Tea's fine. — Ouch.

What? Dust bunny bit you?

I sat on something. (squirm) Paris, what the hell is this?

You're an experienced space explorer, commander, I doubt there's anything lurking in the depths of my couch that might faze you. What does it look like?

Well, to judge by the ridges, it could be Bajoran.

(clatter) Oh, that. Glad you found it, I couldn't think where I'd left it last. Put it on the table somewhere, okay?

I'm not sure I want to look at this while I'm drinking tea.

Chakotay, give me a break. It's a perfectly innocent little dildo.

Nobody but you would have chosen those two adjectives, Paris.

I didn't realize you were such a prude.

I'm not a— (pause) Thanks. (sniff) Darjeeling?

Yeah. Oh, give me that and I'll put it away somewhere. You keep looking at it as though it's going to bite you.

For all I know, it might. I lack your experience with these things.

Aww. Then I know just what to give you for Christmas.


(chuckle) Don't worry, commander, I wouldn't waste my replicator rations on upsetting you. Do you take milk in your tea?

No. — You're being very casual about this.

Sex is a natural part of life, Chakotay.

Sex, yes. Weird latex things, no.

You shouldn't be so quick to judge what you haven't tried. — Damn it, don't spill your tea all over my couch! Relax. I'm hardly going to assault you with it.

I think I'd better leave.

Door's right there. (pause) I'm sorry I made you so nervous that not even changing the subject would suffice.

I'm not nervous!

Ah. Embarrassed, then. Or whatever it is you get that makes you spill tea all over the place.

I just don't understand why you would spend precious replicator rations, waste Voyager's energy, on something like that.

Nobody said you had to understand it. (shrug) Some of us take our pleasure wherever we happen to find it.


I'm sure you've heard the word before. Maybe even in connection with one of these.

Not one that wasn't attached to an actual person.

(pause) (laughter) I can't believe you said that. So, tell me about your Bajoran lovers, Chakotay.

That's not what I meant. (deep breath) (smile) And I don't kiss and tell. Paris, why don't you go out and find a real person instead? You're not bad-looking, and you can talk the hind leg off a donkey; you shouldn't have a problem.

Talk about damning with faint praise. (grin) So you think I'm desperate?


Because you would have to be desperate before you even thought about anything like this. Here— (laughter) At least you caught it. You're holding it like a baseball bat. I can just imagine Tuvok's report: 'Lieutenant Paris was found dead in his quarters from repeated blows with a blunt instrument...'

As someone said not long ago, I'm not going to assault you with it.

Another fantasy shot to hell.

What? (pause) Look, I'm leaving.

You've said that before. I'm not stopping you. But I hope you're going to figure out a way to get the tea stains out of my couch.

Keep them as a memento. Might teach you not to be too outrageous around the people who accept your dubious hospitality. I'm surprised there aren't more tea stains here.

Probably all kinds of stains, actually. Now let's get back to the subject.

I didn't realize there was a subject.

You were asking me why I don't go out and try to get laid.

Paris, I'm really not that interested in your private life.

Bear with me for a moment. Why don't you go out and try to get laid? You're not bad-looking, even if you're no great shakes as a conversationalist; you shouldn't have a problem.

Very funny. I'm not interested in just getting laid. Sex without a relationship, sex without trust and love, isn't something that appeals to me.

Very nice answer, Chakotay. Now why is it so hard for you to imagine that I might be feeling the same way? (pause) Because I'm a pervert who likes latex? (pause) You really did not even consider that, did you.

To be honest, no, I didn't.

Well, good, because it isn't true. (laughter) Sex with someone you love is wonderful. But sex just for the hell of it can be pretty damn wonderful as well. It all depends on the parties involved.

I find that it doesn't do anything for me. I'm sure you're going to tell me that I've just been involved with the wrong, er, parties.

Always willing to oblige, commander. I think you've just been involved with the wrong, er, parties. (pause) Was that all right? I can also offer to prove you wrong in more of a hands-on fashion.

Your self-confidence is amazing.

Was that a yes?

(pause) (laughter) I should have known that an invitation to drink tea and get to know each other better was far too innocent to be true.

Hey, you were the one who decided to use the dildo for a conversation piece. I was quite prepared to discuss the upcoming fine-tuning of the maneuvering thrusters. (pause) Chakotay, stop fiddling with that thing and get over here.

(longish pause) Listen, Paris. I told you, this kind of thing isn't something I'd normally do.

I think you've made that fairly clear, yes.

It would be extremely unsuitable.

You're talking like Tuvok. Well, the door's right th— (pause) Right. (long pause) Jeez, Chakotay, try to remember to breathe once in a while. You're way too tense. (zip)

Wait — I mean, this is a bit fast — I think—

Relax. I'm only trying to get my hands on your body. (chuckle) Something about you just brings out the innuendo in me, I guess. Turn over. (rustling and squirming) Give a yell if I'm doing it too hard — it's not supposed to hurt.

(muffled laughter) What was that you said about innuendo? (pause) (groan) Oh, that feels wonderful.

Nice to hear I haven't lost my touch. With the innuendo. (prolonged relaxing pause) You should learn some massage techniques, Chakotay. It's great for getting people to take their clothes off.

And here I thought all I had to do was ask you.

(smile) Try it and find out.

Take your clothes off, please.

Well, since you ask so nicely. (rustle)

Those are my clothes. (rustle) Ah. (squirm) You're very warm.

You're heating up nicely yourself... don't tense up again, now. At least not like that. Trust me. Do you like this?


And this?


Mmm, you taste like Christmas. Cinnamon and cloves.

Tell me — do you always talk while you're, well...

No, not always. But then I'm sure you could have figured that out if you'd thought about it. Allow me to demonstrate. (squirm)

Oh. (long silent pause) (moan) Wait. (breath) Stop, okay? Point... taken. Slow down.

You really do taste good. (pause) Not used to compliments?



And you blush very nicely. Particularly here.

(indrawn breath) What was that about (gasp) slowing down? Oh. Oh yes!

You sure?

(slow grin) Oh, yes. I think the lube's under that cushion right there.

Spend a lot of time on this couch, do you?

Everyone needs a hobby. Hey, that's cold! (squirm) Mm... mmmmmmm... (pause) Let me do that, okay.

Okay. (pause) (shaky breath) You really are — good with your hands. Turn over —

Wait. Just let me, that's better. (squirm) (groan) Damn, you feel good.


I won't break, Chakotay.

(nibble) You went so (breath) silent, I wasn't sure you were all right. (bite)

(happy sigh) Keep that up and I'll be screaming. Yeah, like that. (long breathless pause) (moan)

(pause) (noise)

Mmmm... oh God, it feels so good.

(pause) (more noise)

Don't slow down! (wail) I'll kill you, Chakotay — fuck me harder — yes, oh God, ohgodyes... (pant) Oh, that's great, that's perfect — don't stop — deeper — harder —

(no translation provided)



Oh. (breathless moan) Yes, now, now, ohjesuschristyes, yes, YES! (scream)




(shaky breath)

You still alive?

I think so. (slow smile) God, that was wonderful. (cheeky grin) Do you practise regularly, or is it an inborn talent?

Like your ability to always say the right thing?

Ouch. Maybe I'll stick with screaming in ecstasy in the future. — So tell me, Chakotay, was it as good for you as it was for me?

Just because I don't yell my head off—

Save the abuse for later. Did you enjoy it?


Good. (grin) But it's going to get better.


We're not done yet. (squirm)

Where are you going?

I thought I'd have a quick game of pool at Sandrine's. Don't move.


(distant clatter)


(not-so-distant clatter) Oh no, you don't get to fall asleep yet. (damp pause) The tea stains don't seem like such a problem any more, somehow.

(sleepy chuckle) This whole couch is a wet spot, Paris. You should look into latex covers.

You just fucked my brains out, Chakotay. I think that entitles you to call me Tom.

So that's where you keep your — oh no no no.

(evil grin) I didn't know you were ticklish.

I'm not. (squirm) I'm not! (prolonged squirm) Stop! (wheeze) Tom, please.

I think I like it when you beg.

You're impossible.

Oh, no, I'm not. (grin) As you should know by now. (pause) Lift your head a little. That's better.

Mm. — Hey.

I told you we weren't done yet.

(sigh) Is this a subtle plan to kill me off?

So I can get promoted? (laughter) No, Chakotay. It's a subtle plan to make you feel good. It's a subtle plan to make you let go. It's a subtle plan to make you pant and moan and yell. (beat) Or maybe I just like chewing on your nipples.

Oh, no. Don't bite. (pause) Maybe just a little.


(gasp) I said a little!

That was a little. (lick) You don't taste like Christmas any more. You just taste like sex. (lick) Yum.


I like to feel the blood move under the skin.

You're not a vampire, are you— (deep breath)



Just shift a little, like that.

You don't have to— (tense silence) (deep breath) Oh.

Mm. (pause)



Oh! (soft moan) Are you going to, uh...

Only if you want me to.

(pause) (pant) (noise)

Was that a yes?

(quietly) Yes. (pause) Just take it slow.



It would help if you didn't make those oh-take-me-now noises.

(breathless laughter) Tom. (indrawn breath) No, it's okay. Don't stop.

You sure?

Yes. (gasp) Somehow I always imagined that you would be... smaller.

(pause) I don't know what to say to that. (breath) But I'm very gratified that you've thought about me. I'll try to surpass your expectations.

(suppressed groan)

Just tell me if it hurts, if I'm going too fast, if—

(breathlessly) N-no. No.

Your voice is shaking.

I — know. (moan)

Does it feel good?

Yes. (gasp) It feels—

Tell me.

—good. Better than good. Wait... slowly.

Sorry. It's just (pant) hard to—

Yeah. (breath) I want it to last.

(pause) (groan)

Oh, more. (noise) Tom!

You're so beautiful like this.

Touch me — like that — yes—


No, not yet... (moan)

Yes. Oh yes, Chakotay, you will—

Ah, Tom— (no translation provided) (noise) (noise) (noise)





I could swear I felt the ship move.

(slow breath) The ship does move. (shift) Mmmm. Tom —

Mm hm?

I guess you proved your point.

Did I?

Well, that was pretty damn wonderful.

Oh. Yeah.

(frown) You didn't think so?

Sure I did. Better than wonderful. But then (breath) the conditions weren't really met. I'm not exactly indifferent to you.


You know, there are moments when I wish you were a little more chatty.

Well, you talk enough for two. (pause) Do I get to kiss you now?

I should've known you're the kind of person who says goodbye with a certain flair.

Saying goodbye doesn't really come into it. I'm way too tired to go back to my quarters. (squirm) I think we should move to the bed. This couch needs to be reupholstered.



What the hell are you talking about?

Well, there's tea, and lubricant, and semen, and—

I just told you I'm in love with you and you're going on about tea stains?

I guess you don't love me for my domestic side. Probably just as well. (shifts) Come on, Tom, let's go to bed.

(shakes head) You drive me crazy. (pause) I'm bringing this.


In case I need to defend my virtue. Ow! (kiss) (shaky breath) Chakotay, don't tease me.

Why not? Considering what you do to me... (pause) Come to bed, beautiful. I won't tell you I love you until tomorrow.



Do you want a dildo for Christmas? I just thought it would be cute if we had matching—




That was a yes, wasn't it?

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