torch, October 2000 (January 2001)

Disclaimer: I read too much: such writers are dangerous. Do not archive this elsewhere without permission.

Happiness is a warm...

Duo bounced excitedly. "I got a new mission! I got a new mission!" He waltzed Quatre three turns around the kitchen table, then pushed him into Trowa's lap. "I get to go undercover as a hooker! Do you think I can keep the money? I could really use some cash."

Quatre blinked. "Duo, are you sure you'll be able to... handle this?"

"Of course I can!" Duo said, sounding incensed. "Just because things got out of control last time...."

"Try not to put quite so many people in the hospital this time around," Quatre pleaded.

Duo grinned wickedly. "Is it my fault they have no stamina?"

"No, but it's your fault if they end up having no spine! People don't bend like that!"

Duo pouted. "Heero does."

Heero wandered into the kitchen. "I do what?"

"You do me," Duo said with a sunny smile. "Except now I get to go undercover as a hooker again — actually," he checked the printout of the mission orders, "I've been hired for some entertainment at the local OZ base."

Heero sighed. "Don't put all of them in—"

"—the hospital, yeah, yeah, heard it already. Sheesh, they're the enemy, why do you care?"

"Because you'll blow your cover."

"All right," Duo put his hand over his heart. "I swear I will not blow my cover." He winked. "Just a lot of soldiers."

"And try to get the actual mission done, too," Quatre put in. "Last time—"

"Don't worry." Duo waved the printout. "I'm the distraction. It's an officers' party. Heero gets to go in and play with the computers." Duo flopped into a chair and began to count on his fingers. "Lessee, twelve guys, I get there at seven, the average refractory period for slightly drunk males—"

"Ow," Quatre said, wiggling a little on top of Trowa.

Duo frowned. "There's gotta be a way to improve the situation there."

"Don't worry," Heero said. "I'll fuck you when we get back."

Quatre felt his eyes go wide.

Duo's frown was replaced by a huge grin. "Remind me to send ol' clawfingers a thank you card. I love this enhanced ability stuff."

"But," Quatre said weakly, "after twelve OZ officers...."

Heero looked perfectly deadpan. "That means we can skip the foreplay, right?"

* * *

"No, Maxwell."

"But Wuuuuuuuuufei, I just wanna work on my speed a little."


"Why not?"

"I'm going to see Treize tonight. I don't want to have to explain to him that we're having a week's enforced celibacy because I had a run-in with Maxwell the human vacuum. Go practise on Yuy."

* * *

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