torch 1996

This is a non-profit piece of fan fiction. Spoiler warnings: contains spoilers for And death shall have no erection and Roman holiday (the previous six parts). This is extremely silly and contains one very rude word. I blame it all on ari, who gave me the idea. Do not archive this story without permission.

Don't know much about biology

Scene: the courtyard at the house in Rue Royal. A loud noise as of something breaking is heard from inside, and moments later a short, auburn-haired youth comes tearing out, obviously absolutely furious. A taller blond man follows at a slower pace, looking more amused than anything else.

Lestat: Armand, calm down.

Armand: Calm down! (whirls to face him) Why you sorry son of a — how long have you known?

Lestat (airily): Not very.

Armand: How long?

Lestat (counts back on his fingers): Um, maybe three years?

Armand (steps closer): Three years! You mean Daniel and I could have been— (breaks off as he sees Louis come outside, too)

Louis walks up to the arguing pair and looks from one to the other.

Louis: Which one of you broke the CD player?

Lestat (smugly): Not me.

Louis: Good. Or you'd be sleeping alone today. (looks sternly at Armand) Amadeo, cher. A bit of respect for others' property...

Armand (truculently): I was upset.

Louis: I'm sure.

Armand: Lestat just told me that you — that you and he — in bed — that you, well—

Louis: Fuck?

Armand (speechless)

Louis (completely unfazed): It's been known to happen. You should try it some time.

Lestat (quickly): Not with us, though.

Louis (looks thoughtful): Well... (catches sight of Lestat's expression) Well, of course not.

Armand: Actually, a quick demonstration—

Louis (insulted): Quick?

Lestat: Oh, for heaven's sake, Armand, nothing much has changed since you last did it. I'll lend you The Joy of Gay Sex if you like.

Louis (lifts eyebrow): We own a copy of that?

Lestat (evasively): Someone gave it to me for Christmas.

Louis: You never told me.

Lestat: We've done everything in there anyway.

Louis: Are you sure?

Lestat: It was the Christmas of two years ago. I'm sure.

Marius and Santino enter the courtyard with their arms around each other, in red and black velvet respectively, looking like something out of a costume play as staged by the Castro Street community theater.

Marius: I thought I heard a crash.

Lestat: It was Armand's mind. I hope there's a backup copy.

Armand (splutters)

Louis (pats Armand soothingly): Really, there's no need to be so upset.

Armand: No need! I just find out I've been celibate for five hundred years—

Santino (raises an eyebrow): I think that depends on your definition of celibacy...

Armand (looking nervously at Santino and apparently remembering something): —refraining from sexual intercourse for five hundred years for no good reason and you say there's no need to be upset?!

Marius (gives Santino a sharp look): We didn't know, Amadeo.

Armand (pouts): Well, at least you haven't gotten any for even longer.

Santino (coughs)

Marius: Um...

Armand (looks from one to the other): Oh my god.

Santino (offended): You have a problem with that?

Armand: I just wish someone would have told me.

Marius: Why, you wanted to watch?

Armand (eyes glaze over): Now that you mention it...

Santino (elbows Marius sharply): We would have told you sooner or later.

Armand: I rather consider this to be later.

Lestat (who's been smooching with Louis all this time): Just think how much fun you'll have making up for lost time.

Armand: DANIEL!! (Pandora walks in) You're not Daniel.

Pandora: Thank you for noticing. Has anyone seen Mael around?

Marius: He mentioned something about a long walk—

Santino (simultaneously): I think he had a headache—

Pandora (growls)

Louis: I'm sure he'll be back. He probably just needed... a rest.

Pandora: He's had two thousand years to rest, you'd think he could keep going for a few nights at least.

She stalks across the courtyard and heads out into the street.

Armand (wails): Does everyone know about this except me?

Lestat (consideringly): Yes.

Armand: DANIEL!!!!!!!!

Daniel walks out of the house, hair on end and shirt unbuttoned.

Daniel: What? Did you set yourself on fire again?

Armand: Guess.

Daniel (sniffs the air): I can't smell any smoke, you must be okay. You know, Eric's been showing me his—

Armand (takes in Daniel's mussed clothes): Oh my god, no!

Daniel (surprised): I thought it was amazing. Don't you want to join—

Armand: Look, you're not going anywhere near Eric's—

Daniel: But Armand—

Lestat falls to the ground laughing and Louis tries to pick him up again. Santino has unaccountably buried his head against Marius' chest and his shoulders are shaking.

Armand: I thought you loved me.

Daniel: What's that got to do with anything?

Armand (rolls his eyes): I should have known better than to start dating a child of the Free Love era.

Daniel: You used to say I looked sexy in flared jeans and a tie-dyed—

Armand (quickly): Never mind that now. The point is— (has obviously forgotten what the point is)

Louis (has managed to catch his breath again): The point is that he's not going anywhere near Eric's — Eric's— (loses it again)

Armand: That's right!

Daniel: But I want to learn how to program it, too.

Armand (stunned): He can program it?

Lestat is rolling on the ground, tries to sit up and falls back down, giggling helplessly. Louis kicks at him surreptitiously and he rolls into a flower bed.

Daniel: Of course he can! He's not an immortal idiot, like some people I could mention.

Marius: Armand, I really think you should go and look at it.

Armand (looks around at Lestat, Louis, Santino and Marius): You're all making fun of me, aren't you?

Santino (innocently): Wouldn't dream of it. You manage just fine by yourself.

Daniel: Just think, we could have our own web page.

Armand: What?

Daniel (enthusiastically): It's really neat, you can make these little frames that are like different windows, and you can make the text blink, and—

Armand (slowly): Eric's been showing you his computer.

Daniel (bewildered): Yes, that's what I just said. Don't you want to come—

Armand: Yes.

Daniel: —and look at it?

Armand: No.

Daniel: Why not?

Armand: Daniel, there's something I have to tell you. (looks around at everyone else) In private.

Daniel (shrugs): Sure.

Lestat (helpfully, still lying down): You know where the spare bedroom is, don't you?

Armand: Get those flowers out of your hair.

Lestat: So sorry. I must have thought I was Daniel for a moment there.

Armand: Keep on dreaming. (to Daniel) Come on, let's go inside.

Daniel: Okay, and I'll show you the—

Armand: No, I'll show you—

Marius: You can take turns. You'll show him yours and he can show you his, that's only fair.

Santino: It works better if you touch it, actually.

Marius (dreamy sigh): So it does. (gives Santino a suggestive look) Think we can beat them to that spare room?

Santino (watches Armand drag Daniel across the courtyard by the hair): No.

Louis: Well, at least we know where we'll find them for the next few nights.

Lestat (gets to his feet finally): Poor Daniel, he won't know what hit him.

Louis (feigns amazement): Do you really think Armand is into that kind of thing?

Armand has been talking quietly to Daniel all the time, and Daniel has been listening about as well as one would expect of a person who is being dragged by the hair, but now something has, apparently, penetrated...

Daniel: WHAT!! (manages to twist his head and glare at the others) Why the hell did no one tell me!

Armand: Never mind that now.

Daniel: Yeah, but—

Armand (starts dragging Daniel up the stairs): Come on, we're wasting time.

Daniel: But—

Louis: Armand, give him a break.

Lestat (chuckling): Maybe he's got a headache.

Daniel (to Armand): All the people you made me sleep with—! And all the time you could have done it yourself instead of just sitting there like a little cherub voyeur! God, (makes a face) that woman with the purple hair...

Armand: I thought you enjoyed it.

Daniel: Only because I pretended it was you. (a brief silence as the implications sink in) Well, let's go then.

Armand (to the others): See you later.

They disappear.

Lestat: Should we have told them about the loose slats in the bed frame?

Louis (appears to ponder this): I suppose we should have.

Santino: They're bound to find out for themselves sooner or later.

Marius (chuckles): Well, I think I'll just go take a look at Eric's—

Santino: Marius!

Marius: —computer.

Santino: I'll go with you. Just to be on the safe side. (grins)

They exit.

Louis: Alone at last.

Lestat (thoughfully): It's been a long time since we did it—

Louis: No, it hasn't.

Lestat: Outdoors, I was going to say.

Louis: The last time you felt pastoral, I ended up with grass in my—

Lestat: You didn't even notice until afterwards—

Louis (wails): What's wrong with a bed?

Lestat (grins suddenly): Nothing, as long as you're in it.

There is the sound of a loud crash from inside the house.

Lestat: What was that?

Louis: Guess.

Lestat: I don't want to guess. I want to go look for myself.

Louis (gives him a stern look): Really! You shouldn't!

Lestat (grins): I know. Coming with me?

Louis (innocently): My, I wonder what that loud noise was...

Hand in hand, they run into the house.

* * *

the vampire chronicles || e‑mail